HOW TO AUDITION TO BE AN AFRICAN HUSBAND.
First of all, know that no matter what you do in life, you have not done anything until a wife lives in your home. Your ultimate purpose as a man, is to be a husband. Once you get this rule, the following rules will be easy for you.
So you ready? Here it goes.
I am a nice person so I want to help people. Today, I want to help men understand what it means to be a husband. Not just any round of the way hubby. Nope. A virtuous one. A husband that a woman can be proud of.
Currently, the world is experiencing a deficit when it comes to live female births. This means statistically, there are more men than women. And before you argue with me because of a biblical reference that you obviously interpret wrong, use the same device you are reading this blog post on to check a current world population meter. I'll wait.
Good. Let's continue the lesson.
Treat this post as a cheat sheet to landing you a wife. As a heterosexual African man looking for a wife in modern day Africa, the rules of engagement are slightly different. And since you are probably not the only one a woman will be dating, it is important that you stand out of the lot and impress her. A wife is after all, a privilege. Not a right.
In order to get your future rib to adore you, do these:
First of all, as an African guy your father should have been grooming you all your life to find a wife. From what you did as chores, to dressing up, to walking and crossing your legs and what not should be geared towards you pleasing the female gaze. If you haven't already been through this rigorous training, this will be a bit tough for you but I'll help you.
Secondly, learn how to cook!
A whole man and you can't marry oil and tomatoes together but you want to marry a whole female being? My brother, respect yourself and learn how to cook. Real authentic African food just like your father did for his wife and his father did for his wife before him. Knowing how to cook is a way an African man can set himself apart from other men. Men of today claim they are too busy to cook for their women. Are you busier than your grandfather who had to clear weeds from his yam farm, manually and still found time to attend to his wife's needs? Do not be lazy. Watch YouTube videos. Practice. No matter what you do, the way to an African woman's heart is through her stomach. Don't say I didn't give you anything.
Thirdly, as a man and per archaic societal standards it is your job to protect and provide. So, improve yourself. Set up yourself to increase your earning potential as the year goes by. Advanced degrees are preferable. It would help that you live alone and are self sufficient before you even begin this process of auditioning to be a husband. You must be able to bring something to the table other than penis. Yes, I said it. See, sex doesn't keep a woman. At all. Ghanaian media will have you believe that taking "Joy Daddy" will bring all the girls to your yard but that's a lie.
You want to be able to put it down very well in the bedroom. Absolutely. These young guys out here ain't joking so you must be up to task. However, it's not enough. Not even close.
Money and the potential to make more, however will set you apart, which I repeat is the goal here.
You also must be ready to protect at all times. African men have been stereotyped as warriors (which is true of the men of old) and as such women expect that you protect them. Physically. From what exactly? We don't know but it's better to stay ready than be sorry.
It'll be in your best interest to start working out and learning self defense tactics. After all, a man must protect AND provide.
Another very important step in this audition process is to show your future rib how valuable you are. You must prove your worth. Yes, cooking is great. Cleaning, providing, protecting and all these other things are wonderful but the big question here is, are you her peace? Or are you a clingy, needy guy.
When a woman comes home from work, after dealing with the world and all its demands, the last thing she wants is nagging. All the talk should be reserved for the weekend. As a man, you need to use your spidey senses to read her mind. Dress well, serve her food, smell good and massage her. Be her peace.
Yes, you might have your own issues that day but still, put her needs first. After all, a good woman is hard to find and must be kept at all cost. Remember to be her peace. Be that comfort. Don't let your tiredness ruin a good thing. Be available.
Another thing. Don't ever pressure a woman into marriage. It is literally the worse thing you can do. Be very patient and wait. A loud mouth man is such a turn off. Don't throw hints that you'd like to marry her when she hasn't asked or mentioned it. It scares women. Your job is to continue to prove your worth. If your "nkatenkwan" does not convince her, your macho will.
If you follow these small tips and throw in some modesty, patience, long suffering and God-fearing, you are good to go. Everything else will sort itself out.
Keep being a good man and in due time, you shall receive your reward.
GLOSSARY for my non-Ghanaian readers
*Joy Daddy: a popular Ghanaian bitters, marketed as an aphrodisiac/male performance enhancer.
*Nkatenkwan: a peanut butter based soup.
IF THIS POST ANNOYED OR CONFUSED YOU, REPLACE EVERY "HUSBAND" with "WIFE" and understand how nonsensical the social act of auditioning for a husband is. Replace every gendered expectation with one ascribed to women. Also, if you still don't get the post, subscribe to my newsletter. I'll send you a patronizing newsletter about sarcasm.