"He has always being like that. You know this, girl. But it's me. I know it's me. As soon as i drop this weight, he will be back (cackle). I know it's me", said the probably size 18/20 girl on the downtown #2 train. I wanted to grab her phone and throw it away so i could get her attention.

"Well, if he treats me well 85% of the time, i guess it's fair. I'm a big girl so i get it if he doesn't treat me good", said a reader on a Belle in Bk's askfm. I commented, "do you need recommendation for a shop that sells some self-esteem?".

"Girls don't look at me like that. I don't think I'm an attractive guy", said my 270lb male friend. 

Each time, i wanted to either yell or respond with some necessary violence but when it comes to body image issues, that is not answer. 


I am not going to go into the argument of why people gain or can't control their weight. I am also not here to explain to you how genetics determine who can gain and/or control weight effectively. Or how weight gain or loss is a reflection of a person's internal health/emotions.

What I will say is, I am fat(This is a description). Always have. Even when people thought I was skinny or average, in my mind I was fat. I was a 14 year old girl in high school on a liquid diet on weekdays because I wanted to look like everyone else. I was sticking my fingers down my throat to throw up food that I barely ate because I read that is how you stay skinny. I was that girl that passed out and had to be rushed to the hospital (and I pretended I did not know why I fainted). That was me.

So I know.

For the past 5 years, the only issue my primary doctor keeps saying is, "You need to lose 20 pounds". It was 20, then 30, then now, it is 40lbs. Do I know why I should lose weight?

I know.

There are a few things that bother me in my life and on top of that list is definitely my weight. This constant worry is a residue from a past horrible relationship so when it comes to inferiority complex and self esteem issues,

I know.

And I love me, all day everyday. (A tad bit too much. I have a bit of a Kanye-esque narcissism about me. Not apologizing for that).

When I hear overweight/obese people shut themselves off from love or being in love, it hurts me because defining what you deserve or not deserve from what you look like on the outside is quite disturbing. You building a defense wall around yourself physically and emotionally is blocking you from living your best life.

As for society (which is all of us) and their yapping & body shaming, it will never go away. Do not discredit yourself or accept less than because you do not fit anybody's cookie cutter frame.

For what is worth, I have never had a problem dating. In fact, I have a couple pro athletes and gym rats come my way because I date people who like me. Just me. One pack, thick thighs and sumo wrestler arms and all. I have had some good relationships because I date people who like ME! I expect it. I demand respect, softness, kindness and romance from a partner. I deserve.

If someone is not treating you well or treats you well sometimes, they DO NOT like you. If you accept that, you DO NOT LOVE YOU.

There is somebody for everyone. (Hell, aren't there porn categories and websites dedicated to bigger women? You are somebody's fantasy, boo!)

If for whatever reason you feel that it's time to lose weight to make you feel better, please do it FOR YOU. Don't be me, trying to lose weight to fit in and lose a whole month of class because you are too weak to pee by yourself.

 Yes, that happened.

Severe anemia that I still struggle with today started as far as 10 years ago when my self esteem issues were at it's peak.

I am super confident and I keep working to keep my doctor from complaining (he is the only one I'm scared of in this life. He looks scary.). But until I get there, I will keep wearing thongs, walking around my house naked, guts out!!!

Remember I just taught you, YOU ARE SOMEBODY'S FANTASY BOO!!