5 THINGS I WANT NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS TO IMPROVE ON.
Dear Nigerian Email Scammers,
After watching how you continually embarrass all of us, I have decided to help you out since you lot seem to have no sense of direction. After embarrassing the entire continent of Africa (even though most of you operate from Europe), the entire sub-Saharan Africa and your country of Nigeria, I have decided to give you some feedback. I hope that my pointers will help you flourish in the intellectually moist part of the devil's belly where you operate from and will also help you to buy more data packages for your awfully old & tired email systems.
1. SPELL MY NAME CORRECTLY!
When you and your colleagues buy these marketing email lists, half of the names on there are FAKE. The name I use to sign up for free gifts on the internet is very different from my real name so I know you bought a list. You did not know that, did you? The least you can do Emeka, is to spell my fake name correctly. How will you send a proposal for $50 million and spell my name wrong?? Where they do that at? Put some RESPEK on my fake name! As I promised, I want to help. I can imagine how incredibly frustrating it is to see your email addresses reported and messages spammed. So here is what you do: HIRE A FREAKING PROOFREADER!!! See, simple. You're welcome.
2. SPELL YOUR NAME AND "CLIENT'S" NAME CORRECTLY!
In all your days of living, where have you seen this atrocity be committed? How do you, an adult, spell your OWN name wrong? How dare you, Olamide!!! See, I can spell your name correctly and yet you can't. I am not Nigerian yet I can confidently spell your name.The worst part is spelling your "dead" client's name. It is HOWARD not HOWRD! No respect for the dead, huh? Solution: HIRE A FREAKING PROOFREADER! Dust!
3. DECIDE WHICH COUNTRY'S CURRENCY THE "CONTESTED" AMOUNT IS!
Usually, these dry emails say a person died and they want you the recipient of the email, to pose as a next of kin. The amount is very inflated (as inflated as the scammer's ego I suspect) and makes no sense. If your client was living in the UK, the right currency to use is the pound sterling not the dollar. If your client was a crown prince in Saudi Arabia, why are you quoting this massive fortune in Naira??? Did the crown prince hate his own country so much that he will transfer his huge Palm Islands fortune to a Nigerian Bank? Solution: CHOOSE A COUNTRY AND LET YOUR STORY FOLLOW THROUGH! This is how I know it is all men behind this uninteresting and unimpressive scam. Don't even know how to lie.
4. I THOUGHT YOU HAD MY NAME SO WHY?
I thought the lists had my name so why do you lot ask for name, address and contact at the end of the email? My own name is not good enough for you anymore? My email address is not a good enough address for you, Barrister? Is my email not a form of contact, Account Officer? Let me help you: USE YOUR AVAILABLE RESOURCES AND BE CONTENT!
5. HERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE TO USING EMAILS TO SCAM.
Be a politician. Much better way to scam. Get a job. Get two jobs. Get a higher education. Build a network. Build an innovative product. Be an aid worker. Join a nearby gym. Stop drinking. Drink water. Be a decent person. Stop triggering the FBI. Your cup will be full. Your emails are old. Stop typing in Times New Roman. Mr. Park Chung Hee left a family behind. His assets have been shared in the 80s. Stop lying. Take a shower. Work out. Stop eating wele/pomo. It is leather. Eat brown rice. Marry your long term girlfriend. She will like a 2 carat ring. Go on vacation. To the hospital. Resist the devil. And he will flee from you.
Take care, Ifeanyi.
***If you will like to help Nigerian email scammers with new solutions, kindly leave it as a comment below. They need it. Thanks***.
Photo credit: FBI.